Walking With Suicide

Living with suicide… leaving life rather living life… my life… having a life…

That’s it too late now… I’m born… a fallen angel into the purgatory of the living… living dead… living death… living death… walking with death… walking beside myself… it’s a fact I’m gonna have to live with… bittersweet obsession that my life will turn out for the bitter rather than for the better… torn out… torn off… ripped from the great magma of life… a life of yonder rather than a life of wonder… I’m off… looking for the other side of life… chipped off the old block…

Living without a will to live… living while leaving a will to die…

Fighting… warding off death from sunrise to sunset… never really living but battling on… watching out for death lurking everywhere… at the ready to jump… creep upon me anywhere anytime… maybe winning another battle but never winning the ever-raging war… cheating for lack of defeating life… stronger because it’s harder to live than to die… just a snap before I even remember holding the scissors… just a chop off before I can even think of picking up the axe…

Whoever… whatever gave me this cumbersome appointment with the living…

Loathing life rather loving life… even at the best of times loving was only an option… infatuation… living on the jumped and never really jumping off the edge… that solitude of never being able to talk about it…

Exorcising life rather than exercising life… never really living never really loving… snatched life for lack of a better idea… always third part to this deal of life I was given… and probably against my will… never finding solace… never finding life where you’d expect it… just a meeting with death…

Everyday I wake up with the bitter taste of life in my mouth… and endeavour and strive to turn the bitter into sweet… but sweet is elusive and bitter is pervasive… never swallowing nor spitting the foul aftertaste of life in my mouth…

Squatting there in the corner of the room… on the floor, on the sofa on the bed… waiting expecting something that is not to happen… everything looks normal… quiet… dead… but that knife could cut my throat… my wrists… and those pills could put me to sleep… for good… for the better…

Way down memory lane… reminiscing on a childhood memory again… silly game we played… not to close our eyes when we were tired… because we thought that we might die… or closing our eyes when we hoped to die… life was much easier and stranger then… as if we didn’t owe it to anybody… still a mystery…

It wasn’t until I had had my stomach pumped three times that I began to understand what and why… all I needed now was the how… how could I have come to this ? Not that I have really ever found the answer… why did I hate life so much ? Why did I hate myself so much ? But then that didn’t change anything… facts are facts… cold heartless facts… no emotions…

Some people commit suicide for a reason… take their own life… in their hands… take it to where… if the only exit… the only destination… the only way out is death ? Walking with suicide is committing suicide for no reason… living for no reason… dying for no reason…

God only knows how I make it to the night… worse still make it through the night…

Like so many unsung heroes I will live to see another day to bring down as I rise… another day another night… living on the death line… fuelled only by the sole energy of hope…

I have come to realise all along my life the squadrons of people who feel that way… many take their own life eventually… so many people who have everything to be happy yet have found life to be unbearable after all… contemplating death all their way to their ashes…

Many people can’t cope… many people definitely on the down slope… take the first step to their last step…

There is no remedy to cure suicidal tendencies… if the prey to suicidal tendencies will take his or her life sooner or later… come what may… yet I’m holding back… postponing… procrastinating… forever holding back… some people may mistake this for cowardice… it’s not… believe it or not… it’s more like waiting to see… expecting something else to turn up… for the better… but never… only further…

Life only leads to death... so why wait ? What’s in life for me if I have to die ? Sooner or later it will be the death of me… of all of us… French philosopher Pascal said the salt of life is entertainment… but not to me… entertainment does nothing for me… for my life… it only takes me back to reality… for a spell…

When I leave this world I want to be cremated… I and my ashes cast to the wind… I have nothing to leave… but this life…

Jesse CRAIGNOU

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