Adele Deep

for Adele

The news was still ringing in her ears… dead… shot dead… dead… dead and… gone… dead shocked…

The situation was beyond repair… no turning the clock back… and she was beyond therapy…

Late… too late… it was too late now… the damage was done… her son was gone…

A mother cannot see her son die…

A mother cannot see her son dead… it’s not on…

She wishes she had gone… instead of him…

She wasn’t called for on time and this wasn’t uncalled for…

They shouldn’t…

They shouldn’t live and die in that order…

There’s something wrong with this… mothers bear sons to take them to the grave… not the other way round…

The news… the enquiry the inquiry the inquest the inquisition and the media did the rest… not their best… far from their best… but in their best interest…

Not a word… not word they printed was true… not one… they had spent hours asking and asking again… rubbing salt in the wound… rubbing deeper and deeper… all to no avail… she would have felt understood for lack of understanding had they told her story… had they told the world what she couldn’t bring herself to say… to tell…

But no… lo and behold… they only had their story told… not their story but theirs !

This had meant so much to her… this was too much…

The police did their best… their job… her husband was a police inspector so he knew and she knew… they knew… and she wasn’t sure it was better that they knew… but you never know… in your job you never think for yourself… you never think of your own… it never happens to you…

This guy had called her son… summoned him to come… to talk… it was about a girl… what girl ? Her son was virtually always home when he wasn’t at college… he was studying… where had that girl come from ? When had she stepped in ? Into his life ? He told them everything… he had never spoken of a girl… that girl that was gonna be the death of him…

But then your children never tell you everything do they ?

He hadn’t come back… he hadn’t walked back… he had been taken… on a stretcher to hospital… Emergency ward…bleeding to his death… never regained consciousness… they will never know…

Stab stab stab goes the beat beat beat of her heart… his had stopped beating forever and hers was barely any better… it was a wonder it was still beating…

She had left everyone… she had even left herself… in her wake… on her voyage… on her road to nowhere… nowhere to run…

Was she ever coming back ? Would she ever come back ?

Could she… ever come back ?

There was no turning back… no turning back the clock… she could only just run… run amok at best…

Tick tock of the clock that won’t stop… even you’re gone her life won’t go on…

That was when her sister came closer… got real close with her… not the best time… but as sisters go good days and bad days come and go… one day love one day hate… but love is always there eventually…

She called when her sister was listening to Adele… Rolling in the deep… and that was precisely how she felt… it was… she was… rolling in the deep… deeper and deeper down to the deepest reaches of her soul…

She called but she couldn’t speak… no words… no words would come out… just tears… of course her sister knew… who didn’t… everybody knew… the whole wide world… but nobody could understand… not a soul… and just as well their lips were sealed… even if her story was on all their lips…

Do you want me to come over ?

Do you want to come over ?

No ? Are you sure ?

Shall we go somewhere ?

Would you like…

No she wouldn’t… she wouldn’t like anything… she wouldn’t like to go anywhere… she wouldn’t like to be anywhere… she wouldn’t… she couldn’t… she wouldn’t come out so she had to go out to her…

She couldn’t be… she couldn’t live… without him… she… just wasn’t meant to be without him… ever… there was nowhere to be… there was no way she could be…

And then… but then… anywhere was better than here… but suddenly thinking she realised he was everywhere… he had taken on a global dimension… he had taken over her whole world… her whole life…

Her sister was lost for words… there was no answer… all she could do was listen… but if you can’t speak how do you listen to someone who won’t speak ?

She would just… be there… just in case…

She couldn’t talk to her husband… she had been estranged even to her second son… second to none nonetheless… but second regardless… her life was seconds now… nothing but seconds… imperfect… imperfection… nothing but imperfections… incomplete… holes… her life had been holed in… holed out… her whole life had been stolen… against her will… hollowed… from inside out… hollowed out…

She would be there anyway…

Depressed people have that vampire power over you… they suck… vacuum your energy out of you… you think you reload… you think you’ll reload… you’ll refuel… fill her up… but in the end you find you don’t… you find out you didn’t… you hope…

You write yourself off to them as they write themselves into you… squat your brain and drain… life out of you… and you think all along you help them… when they take no notice… it’s a perverted reverted process… your own oblivion is in motion…

Words at work… business as usual… work in progress… working process… until they have bled you dry…

‘We could have had it all…’ Adele was singing on… and the beat goes on… but her heart’s not beating any longer… lock stock and barrel all gone asunder…

They meet and they cry… they cry their hearts out together…

And as her sister sinks deeper she feels dragged into her spiel…

She wasn’t… no she wasn’t… or was she ?

Was she ?

No intent on her volition… no dent in her intentions… depression… out of desperation… separation… not that way inclined…

Funny to see how she was cottoning on to this sister… of all the six of them she’d been the one she’d always wanted to follow her most… and now she was following her… you never know who’s gonna catch on in your life and how you’re gonna go and get on… nobody knows what life has in store for us… and things to come come in many ways but one… and the hardest ones come in many ways but easy ones…

Life may be trying… life may be testing but some tests will just get the better of you…

There she was wondering pondering about all this and life and… when the telephone rang and her sister was on… no nothing was wrong… only nothing was right… there’s no way you come up from the deep when that deep is too deep and you’re way out of your depth… you need a stepping stone but you can’t see for miles… no matter how hard you try the road is just to long…

Alright she was coming right over forgetting herself and her own life to live her sister’s… but if she had been given half a chance to live her sister’s she would have been out of it like a bat out of hell… in a beeline… life rarely gives you a second chance… all you get at the best of times is one deal… no bypass… no buoy… no hunky lifesaver stepping right out of the screen to save you in the closing scene… credits in the backdrop…

Reality’s over the rainbow… follow the yellow brick road… so the story goes…

But down here under the grey skies the storm is coming… under the cover of the quiet before the storm… you never know what’s coming at you…

The ringtone rang out like a wake up call…

That couldn’t be… yes she was… no she wasn’t… she was feeling no better only worse… for better of for worse something had to be done about it…

Go over… come over… to her place… to that den that still served as a house… but no longer as a home… how could one live in such a pigsty ? Her sister had always been a house fairy… come rain or shine day or night you could just turn up on her doorstep and be invited in… eat your food right off the floor… so clean it was… Where had her sister gone ? What had come to her ? What had come over her ?

You don’t turn the clock back and you don’t bring back the dead…

For a spell she had given in to magic witchcraft divining dowsing… you name it she had tried it all and many times over… taken it nationwide… made it worldwide… in her wild will to make ends of sense meet… all to no avail… but she wasn’t giving up… she was broken… and there seemed to be no mending her… she was beyond repair… beyond therapy… had written her own self off…

And she was still there… in pain… in agony… she had to be helped… couldn’t be left alone… on her own… by herself…

But nobody… no one could feel the deep cut of the pain… the wound in her womb… out of the crack the pot cracked… she was losing her mind… she was in no mind… to have a mind of her own… blood runs thicker than water… drowning in her in her sense of vengeance… she was out of her depth… now… no way she could get back on her feet… swim back to shore… safe ground… solid ground… she had run aground… no rising her…

She was over like a shot… only to find her no better… two’s company… sisters in arms… some a pain shared is halved… although it seemed doubled… there’s no killing the pain… it’s only killing the brain… cooking you on a slow fire… burning… simmering… sizzling… charring you gut deep… charcoal night of death… leaving no light to hope by…

They cried… they laughed… they cried… and cried again…

Going through pictures… down memory lane… retracing… reviving… reliving… but there was no tracks leading into the future… nothing on the horizon… the sun might have danced all day and all night it was always dark… too dark…

The curtain of the night is drawn and is too heavy to draw back… the veil of the night is like a sheath on your sanity… a sheath on your insanity… you never wonder whether it protects you or your enemy… that thin line between love and hate… the same passion… the same emotion… the same notion… shadow boxing in the night you’re fighting for your life in the dark… rowing against the current of the light…

It’s not so much how much you miss… how much you’ve missed… how much you’ll miss that matters now… since you don’t know all this… first you feel sorry for the other then you feel sorry for yourself… and you put your pride on the shelf… until the shelf gives way… and your whole world tumbles, crumbles down and you lie in the rubble… your feathers all ruffled… feeling of all sorts feelings of none…

She sees her sister like a total stranger now… she never knew… never imagined there was… there could be so much sorrow in the world… so many tears in the one body… so many… and there is… only she doesn’t know what to do with it…

Her sister wants to talk but she can’t talk… she wants to be talked to but she doesn’t listen… she thinks she should do something but she doesn’t want to do anything… she know something must be done about it… about her… but she doesn’t want to do anything about it and her sister can’t really do anything about her… without her… with her… it’s all a great big mess…

What have they done ?

What have they done to her ? What have they done with her ? Where is her sister ?

For as best as she can remember… as long as she can remember… try as she might she doesn’t remember… she can’t remember her sister to be that woman who is now but the shadow of a woman… the shadow of her man… the shadow of life… deprived of life deprived of shadow… denied a shadow… begging for life… shade shade shade go way little sister wants to play… no wind no rain can bring her back… no babe… rock a bye a baby… she rocks her broken rag doll of a sister lying there listless lifeless in her arms… and it feels like she’s dead… a deadbeat dead body… life lying in ruins…

She tries to hang on… to cling on to rebuilding her story from scratch… but only barely scratches that unreachable itch… awakening the pain… and she believes talking will help… and so she makes her talk and lets her talk… but talk doesn’t help that much and action speaks louder that words… so she tries… she has her moves on into action… but that doesn’t takes her very far… the shark of life had bitten off more than she could chew…

And now they know… they know that what the world knows is not what went on… they had hoped… she had hoped that that when the world knew they would understand… they would sympathise with her… they would bring her relief… but lo and behold they went ahead and publish their story… not hers…

Why the lie ? What did they want to know ? What did people want to know ?

What story did they want to hear ?

It can happen to anybody… it always happens to the best… but then they will never know now what happened to her… we could have had it all…

And so she finds her helpless again… and she finds herself helpless again…

She goes home to find she too can’t bear the stress of life… and she doesn’t know why… for lack of a better idea she calls her sister… maybe it something she said… something they said… something they didn’t say… something they should have said… but nothing… nothing that was said or unsaid… seems to hit home… to ring a bell… for whom the bell tolls…

It’s as if… as if nothing’s gone amiss… as is… and yet something is missing… someone is missing… someone who won’t be replaced… an empty place… an empty space… nothing’s gonna fill… no one’s gonna fill… nothing and no one will replace… a forever empty void… nothing but space and that space seems to be catching on… taking on… taking over the whole place… that stares you right in the face… deadly stare… and now she too can feel it… can see it… there’s no hope… it’s washed over… run over the whole wide place… the whole wild world…

She feels that feeling coming over her… sliding… worming in her…

For weeks now she had been exposed to the virus… it felt like she was immune… like she was safe… like she was saved… she had gotten over… she had made it… who could save her now ? There was only the two of them fighting this battle… the rest of the world seemed healed… the wound seemed sealed… the had healed… before they were even taken ill…

Deeper and deeper lower downhill… rolling in the deep…

From her bottomless pit she too now calls out from the deep… for help… escape… there’s no escape… from this mess… and her sister won’t return her calls… she imagines she’s feeling worse… and that breaks her heart all the more… she can see no way out of there… despair… desperate…

No one… not one person heard her…

No one will hear her now… where she is… wherever she is… but she may be gone forever…

No one saw her for a few days…

And when her daughter found her… she was lying on her bed… totally relaxed… smiling almost… relieved…

Naturally her sister went to her funeral and never looked any better… even if crying to mourn yet another next of kin…

It is as though in helping and departing she had lifted off the weight of her shoulders and taken it away from her…

Adele... so deep... deeper and deeper...

Jesse CRAIGNOU

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